THE SECRET LIFE OF SECRETS
THINK OF A SECRET that you’re keeping from others. It shouldn’t take long. Psychologist Michael Slepian finds that, on average, we are keeping as many as thirteen secrets at any given time. His research, involving more than 50,000 participants from around the world, shows that we most frequently keep secrets about lies we’ve told, ambitions, addictions, mental health challenges, hidden relationships, and financial struggles.
Our secrets can weigh heavily upon us. Yet the burden of secrecy, Slepian argues, rarely stems from the work it takes to keep a secret hidden. Rather, the weight of our secrets comes from carrying them alone. Whether our motivation is to protect our reputation, a relationship, a loved one’s feelings, or some personal or professional goal, one thing is clear: Hold - ing back some part of our inner world is often lonely and isolating. But it doesn’t have to be.
Filled with fresh insight into one of the most universal— yet least understood— aspects of human behavior, The Secret Life of Secrets sheds a fascinating new light on questions like: At what age do children develop the cognitive capacity for secrecy? Do all secrets come with the same mental load? How can we reconcile our secrets with our human desires to relate, connect, and be known? When should we confess our secrets? Who makes the ideal confidant? And can keeping certain types of secrets actually enhance our well-being?
Drawing on over a decade of original research, Michael Slepian reveals the surprising ways that secrets pervade our lives, and offers science-based strategies that make them easier to live with. The result is a rare window into the inner workings of our minds, our relationships, and our sense of who we are.
REVIEWS
REVIEWS
“If you’ve ever wondered why we keep secrets and what motivates us to spill them, look no further. Michael Slepian has spent the past decade studying the psychology of secrets, and is ready to reveal his findings to the world.”
— Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Think Again
“The Secret Life of Secrets gracefully blends engaging stories with compelling science. In the secrets that you carry, you will discover a hidden self.”
— Sonja Lyubomirsky, University of California professor and author of The How of Happiness
“Everybody has them, keeps them, betrays them, and wonders about them. Wonder no more. This delightful and fascinating new book reveals the hidden psychology of our secrets”
— Daniel Gilbert, Harvard professor and bestselling author of Stumbling on Happiness
“We all keep secrets, but it turns out that our intuitions of what to do with them are often wrong. The Secret Life of Secrets sheds light on why we conceal, and the power of confessing, confiding, and letting go.”
— Jonah Berger, Wharton professor and bestselling author of The Catalyst and Contagious
“In this eye-opening and engrossing debut, Michael Slepian, one of psychology’s most eminent rising stars, weaves cutting-edge science with captivating stories to explain a topic equal parts familiar and mysterious: keeping secrets. Entertaining, informative, and scientifically precise, this is nonfiction writing at its best.”
— Ethan Kross, bestselling author of Chatter
“Michael Slepian reveals the universal nature of our secrets, how they relate to our relationships and well-being—offering profound insights that help us make better choices.”
— Sheena Iyengar, Columbia University professor and author of The Art of Choosing
“The Secret Life of Secrets is that rare book that combines original research on the costs of keeping secrets with poignant stories of how sharing secrets can deepen relationships and transform lives.”
— Frank Warren, founder of PostSecret
“A close look at a widespread human behavior… An accessible, empathetic book.”
— Kirkus Reviews
“Slepian’s astute debut pulls back the curtain on the psychology of secrets… Slepian’s research, anchored by an original survey of 50,000 people, provides illuminating insight into an overlooked area of psychology… This sharp take on secrets has a lot to offer.”
— Publishers Weekly
“There’s no better time for a book on the psychology of secrets to reveal itself… Slepian illuminates how we guard our interior selves, making a convincing case for loosening our lips—just a little bit.”
— The Wall Street Journal
MEDIA
MEDIA
“Unpacking ‘The Secret Life of Secrets’” The New York Times, June 2022.
“‘The Secret Life of Secrets’ Review: Monsters in our closet” The New York Times, June 2022.
“Why it's time to confess your darkest secrets” Big Think, May 2022.
“There's a secret to keeping secrets” The Wall Street Journal, February 2022.
“The price of secrecy” Ten Percent Happier, July 2021.
“Why we keep secrets” NPR: WPR, July 2021.
“The secret life of secrets” NPR: The Hidden Brain, January 2021.
“What our secrets say about ourselves” NPR: Think, September 2020.
“Exposing the hidden world of secrets” APA Monitor, September 2020.
“The secret lives of us” The Sydney Morning Herald, August 2020.
“How to keep a secret” Vice, December 2019.
“The secrets you keep are hurting you” Psychology Today, January 2019.
“Why the secrets you keep are hurting you” Scientific American, February 2019.
“Dangerous confessions” Psychology Today, November 2018.
“How to keep a secret” Kinfolk, July 2018.
“The secret life of secrets” The New Yorker, May 2017.
“Why it's so hard to keep a secret” Scientific American, May 2017.
“The worst part of keeping a secret” The Atlantic, May 2017.
“Keeping secrets isn't so bad for you after all - with one exception” New York Magazine, May 2017.
“The price of secrecy” The Economist, April 2017.
“Your deepest secrets” Psychology Today, March 2017.
“Secret Lives: BBC Documentary” BBC Radio, April 2016.
“Spill the beans” The Atlantic, July 2015.
“Why you can't keep a secret” The Atlantic, March 2014.
“The secrets we keep” Pacific Standard, November 2013.
“Keeping a secret weighs you down” Scientific American, March 2012.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
MICHAEL SLEPIAN is the Sanford C. Bernstein & Co. Associate Professor of Leadership and Ethics at Columbia University. A recipient of the Rising Star Award from the Association for Psychological Science, he is the leading expert on the psychology of secrets. Slepian has authored more than fifty articles on secrecy, truth, and deception.His research has been covered by The New York Times, The Atlantic, The New Yorker, The Economist, The Wall Street Journal, the BBC, NPR, and more.
